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My Worst FearShe is more a part of me than any other person
I grew within her
She who gave me life
The disease ravages her brain
Taking from her everything
Including her Art
That she traveled half a world away to master
It pains me to no end
Knowing that the stories I grew up hearing
About those hot summer nights listening to the cicadas
In the land of the sun
Those memories like her dexterity are stolen from her now
My worst Fear is the day my Mother looks me in the eyes and doesn't know who I am
Too Broken for RealityI'll disappear for a while at least
All my lies, deceit, stealing, and cheating
It will no longer exist
I will go away from the horrible person I have become
I'm a character on a screen
In a realm walking alone and unseen
I live through the artful characters
As I read their heroic words in subtitles
The virtual world is where I belong
Not the so called Real one
Staring at my feet
Unable to meet anyone's eyes
I don't want to come back to reality
I can't deal with it
I wasn't meant for it
I have always been so deeply, mournfully, sad
I AM BROKEN
TIME TO LIVEWatch me fall apart again
Such a child I have become
Lazy and at a loss of ambition
Those that care push
Their hands lifting me up
Past my apprehension
Pulling out of my virtual world
Anime, video games, and online chats
This is the world that has consumed me
I am terrified of change
New people leave me staring at my shoes
Can't meet their eyes, afraid of what I might see there
I have always been perceptive
Even when they hide it I see how they perceive me
In a word I'm fat
That cripples my self esteem
I know I have a lot to offer as a person
But my subconscious still cripples me
But I can at least try to Live, right?
My MoonThe moon has always comforted me
The silver light that seems so ethereal
Just knowing it only shines from borrowing the suns rays
It reminds me of how I am feel so hollow when I'm alone
I only ever feel alive with others around me
But most of my life if techno solitude these days
I detest the day
The sun is far too harsh
Shut alone in my room
My only joy is waiting for the night
Alone with a cigarette watching the smoke cloak my moon for but a moment
The NightSo set in the ways of my solitude
Giving into my naivete has never been my style
As I walk boldly into the darkness
Dripping shadows provided by the tall tree line
A cigarette in my left hand
For I am right handed my friend
No matter how Safe this neighborhood may be
My dominant hand is still buried in my pocket
Clutching a blade I know well how to use
An overprotective big brother that is not mine made sure of that
My night vision is superb so I leave the porch light off
It would only serve to ruin my sight
My ears abused by years of blaring music though headphones
Still pick up the rustle of leaves
And are attuned to the neighbors dogs
They are like my own alarm system
But when they grow silent is when I worry most
Inexplicable as it is I feel something out there in the dark sometimes
But as always wrapped in shadows I trust the Night to hold me safe
Taking a Smoke BreakThe burning embers flash before her eyes
Another fight with good 'ol Dad
He swears his incompetence is a lie
As he rages on again
The nicotine high fills her mind
As she misses the condolences of an old friend
The cigarette butt says good-bye
She prays the night to cloak her as she goes back in
Never Gonna Be Father of the YearNever gonna be father of the year
I try desperately to remember so semblance of home
Where love and acceptance should cover me
But it is all spoiled by my father's rage permeating though
He knows how to hurt us best
Another aptly chosen insult causes the darkness inside of me to twist
His white hot temper hits me like a blow to gut
I learned long ago not to answer his anger with my own
But still the white hot rage within me swells to the surface
I feel it harden my gaze as a I lock eyes with him
Almost unnoticed a voice in the back of my mind screams at me to back down
I listen averting my eyes and digging my nails into my palms causing crescent moons to form on the heels of my palms
As I swallow back swirling mass of shadows that are my rage
His voice has risen as I was focused on my internal battle
Ignoring him when he's like this will never work
He can tell when I try to retreat in my head willing myself somewhere..anywhere else
So I do what I always do I stand there and take it
THESE BOUND WINGSTHESE BOUND WINGS
These fragile wings are bound by such heavy chains
Desire burns and resounds deep within me
I stare at the clear night sky
Yearning to finally take flight
I'm no angel
What right does a sneak thief have to this blessing
Borrowed wings from one of pure soul and conviction
She fell for my sake
Her final will was to pass this gift to me
As the sun sets over the frozen landscape
The links of the despicable chains
Made of my own fear and self deprecation
For once the loosen and fall away
I will honor those who lift me up
As I reach the stars of Heaven themselves
THE FALLTHE FALL
Through half slited waking eyes
I see him
A shadow of rage no longer a man
A smash resounds as he throws the nearest object
No words are spoken as the fist fist falls
I do as I always do
I go away in my mind
My own world
Snow covered and black and white
I am the only one here
I curl up and cry
Because I refuse to give him the satisfaction
Of crying in the real world
Maybe that's how my infatuation with fantasy started
I still go there sometimes
Its quiet and still
It calms my soul
The physical abuse has stopped
But I think the emotional torture may be worse
This is story of my fall
How to be Populardon’t talk
go to parties
listen to friends
go with the flow
drink some more
don’t let them see the tears
as you cry yourself to sleep
for the most important thing
is to be popular
i'm not going to lie and say she was perfect.her skin was spotted with what she passed off as freckles,
but what were really scars from a thousand summer suns
as she ran about outside,
climbing trees and treading rivers,
pretending to be an american bomber
in the midst of WWII.
she kept crimson stains on pearl pink lips,
which always had the habit of getting on her teeth
because she put on make-up after dressing in her car
and ordering coffee in every way she hated it
as she drove to the record store three times a day,
ignoring her job downtown.
she owned four and a half hairbrushes exactly,
i took count on the first night i stepped into that whirl-wind room,
though her lopsided up-dos of messy blonde hair revealed just how much her fingers
never broke the dust.
she had these lovely fragile hands
that showed each and every vein and bone,
the type of hands made for tearing boys like me apart.
how could i have even expected to survive,
a paper poet
held against a reckless flame?
Panic attackIt hits me like a wave,
These thoughts of fear and regret.
They swarm all around me,
Trapping me inside my own head.
Pretty soon, I am suffocating,
Please someone save me!
My heart beat races,
As does the thoughts that pick up the pace.
Of sending me memories I've kept and buried so long inside.
They've come back to haunt me tonight.
And as soon as it came,
It was gone,
Leaving me here.
And what was left of me,
The sound of silenceThe sound of silence,
Is so deafening,
That it makes my ears ring,
With the cacophony of my own insanity.
Being afraid to speakThe unpleasantries of past events
Were driven by the voices of contempt
Leaving me breathless
To that effect, I was left senseless
And when I laid under the covers
As I tried to warm myself from the cold stares
I shiver, as my skin turned white
By the solace of silence
But, as I overcame their sadness
I learned to embrace the cold
Until I was able to give warmth to others
Ideationlocked in a room
with only one escape,
or so it seems.
your hands shake and you drop the key.
Suddenly you're unsure.
Do I want to pick it up?
Do I want to find it?
Do I want to leave?
you think to yourself
there's no other choice.
find the key or corrode, or rust
wear down the hinge
use sadness as the key.
You have the answer now.
Just open the door.
Just walk outside and don't look back.
Let yourself leave with no regrets.
And yet you can't.
You're afraid, you think,
but you are actually strong.
Don't run away.
Don't take that leap.
DNAyou are content
because every day
you have the opportunity to
hug both sets of your DNA.
however, i am not content.
half of me is missing
and the other half
is hardly ever here.
A Fire To Burn Back The CriesIt still astounds me
How no one hears the droning on
Of this Earth shattering cry
I am left prone
Folded over myself
From fear of the scream
Incessant within my own mind
Following it downward
I reluctantly scratch the surface
What remains of the wall
That tenuously holds back
The Pain of my loosely tethered soul
It brings shadows to haunt my vision
Color grows stale before these cold distant eyes
Music...the harsh melodies and fiery lyrics
Which once kept me grounded
Seem fade to white-noise
In the face of such a cacophony
What is left to help weakening legs to hold me up
Only a simple sleeping ember
Awaiting a spark to bring flame back to my heart
So each night I pray
That God send me an angel
That one soul that might meet mine half way
Somewhere between hope and disbelief
So who will bring me back from the edge?
When will you awaken me?
It seems about the right time
Since the alarm has been sounding for quite some time...
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